Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
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Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
me when i see my girls butt
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?