Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
You Might Also Like
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig