Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
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My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.