there are few problems in life that can鈥檛 be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 馃幁
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This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it鈥檚 a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
My family鈥檚 superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Why can鈥檛 I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he鈥檚 given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
It鈥檚 pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I鈥檓 not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you鈥檝e kept everything up to code, but I鈥檝e been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which鈥擨 don鈥檛 need to tell you鈥攊s a pretty serious safety violation.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
God: you鈥檙e very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.