Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
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My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Tony Hawk, age 6
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.