I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
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When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
me 2 months after i graduated
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.