Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
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You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.