Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
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Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank