“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
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no!! no!!!!!!
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.