Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.