Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
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me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
we’re gonna need another temp
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.