Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
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Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.