(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
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wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money