Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
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Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
What if rocks were bread
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes