Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
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Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.