Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
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The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I want what they have
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“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.