Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
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Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one