[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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The Backseat Boys
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table