And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
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[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.