Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
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If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
just left a huge legacy in there
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.