[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
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[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
😂🤣😂🤣
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.