If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
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[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.