If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
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ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.