date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
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I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Living the best life.. 😊
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx