[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
You Might Also Like
Damn he played himself
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea