When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
You Might Also Like
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car