40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
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My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
#winning