Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
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I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Cake!!
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Oh we’ve met.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday