Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
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Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda