I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
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A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad