Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
You Might Also Like
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
lol
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
#math
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
happy valentine’s day to me
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
🤣🤣
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight