Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
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[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
do horses think humans are hats
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look