HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
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Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM