Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
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BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own