“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
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ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Cow it started Cow it’s going
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Worth a try
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.