I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
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Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*