*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
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If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.