I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
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Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.