“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
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I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf