I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
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doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Guys, I found it.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.