How about daylight saves us for once
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If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁