Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
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Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Home is where your toilet is.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix