[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
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My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My wedding will be open casket.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.