3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
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I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
This is what makes twitter great
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
❤️❤️❤️