I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”