I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
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I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
our love story in four pictures
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My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?