Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
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*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
What is going on? 😅
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.