therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.