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Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
We need more people like this.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?