*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
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I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
thinking about a very short hotdog
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?