*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
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Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator