When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
You Might Also Like
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
#SCOTUS one-star review
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.