My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
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All generalizations are stupid.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
What’s so funny?
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?